Torture

Lately, there has been controversy regarding imposing torturous practices on people in captivity. At the same time the practice of self torture seems to provide a very large market for profit. For example, think up the most heinously difficult endurance event imaginable. Now call it a race, set an entry fee and watch the masochists line up! The more abominable and dangerous the event, the longer the line. The extreme sadists will even dole out more dough to go to a camp when the event has reached it maximum capacity of lunatics! (not that I would know anything about that!!)

Now that the self torturers are training for an event, they are going to need to partake in daily pain threshold exercises. This is where the torture merchandise is crucial. There is no limit on what will and be done to ones body in an attempt to be able to go longer, harder and more often! I'd like to introduce you to a few of the torture devices that are found in my living room - aka my hurt locker.

My Personal Arsenal 

The Foam Roller- (big white thing) Contrary to what my three year old neighbors believe, this is not a FUN toy! Some of the many purposes of this rather benign looking piece of foam are, self-myofascial release, self massage, and stretching. All this sounds pleasant enough, until you have myofascia that needs releasing! I dare you to roll this sucker over a tight iliotibial band (ITB) and you will be begging for mercy.

The Stick- (yellow handles with rollers) This little instrument of pleasure is for improving recovery, extending endurance, improving strength and flexibility and reducing muscle soreness. That is all true after you spend time kneading tight, sore, overworked muscles with it. Even the muscles know at some point to wave the white flag and let the stick win. Pretty sure this is the stick referred to in 'speak softly and carry a big stick'.

Trigger Point ball- (green, black and white striped ball) The ball is to manage minor aches and pain by applying pressure to general areas. Well, I can tell you that all pain seems minor after applying ample amount of pressure for the recommended 5-7 seconds to my piriformis (otherwise known as butt). This piece of equipment often makes me wish someone would pull the trigger and put me out of my misery!

Golf Ball -(white round ball;)) When the TP ball just isn't firm enough, or available there is always the Titleist to get me screaming uncle. Luckily, we always have one of these wherever we are. One of the perks of being married to a golf professional.

Foot Roller -(wooden, ribbed thingamajig) This gadget is to relieve tension in the feet, improve circulation,  and stimulate the immune system. I am not able to verify that it stimulates the immune system. I can bear witness to the fact that after many a long run, it has stimulated my profanity!

Compex -(blue box with electrodes sticking out of it) Just in case any of the above instruments of pain aren't enough, I can hook myself up voluntarily to a box that sends jolts of electrical current through my muscles. After a session of this, I am sure I will exhibit courage under fire.

I can't speak for others who use these contraptions but I have a good explanation for the hours I spend on them. You may remember that I currently don't have a job. What you don't know is that as a kid I dreamed of being a spy. I may or may not have spent too much time reading Harriett the Spy. I do know this, I may need another career in the future and espionage would be a more lucrative way to experience pain and suffering than racing 100 miles in the mountains of Colorado!