2016 A Year Of Riches

The end of one year on the calendar and the start of another often leads to reflection. 2016 was an amazing year and I want to thank everyone who was apart of it. In my time of reflection I am awestruck by abundance in our lives. Ours is a life full of love, laughter, friends and family. I am blessed with being able to live the life I love and LOVE the life I live.

Each experience I go through in life just leads me to see more clearly how really blessed my life is. The love and support through the celebrations and the more difficult times makes me know that we are getting something right in how we choose to live. It is our connections with others that truly is important. This year I have been blown away by the goodness and kindness of others and I know that this will prevail in our world.

Life doesn't always go as we plan and occasionally we have to take a different route on our journey. That's what makes life the greatest adventure of all. As long as your tank is full of love you can make it over the rough roads. When you are on a smooth easy sailing road make sure to enjoy it and take in the views. Always keep your sense of wonder and adventure at everything you pass on this journey. The scenery of our life shapes our futures. 

I measure my wealth in experiences and love. In reflecting on 2016 I see that I am wealthy beyond words. Thanks to everyone who was a part of it. 

The Circus is in Town

I was halfway up the Flying Monkey mesa, my heart was beating in my ears when suddenly it was silenced and all I could hear were the monkeys. The chatter was incessant, blocking out all other sounds.  The monkeys were trying to take over with their antics and that is when it hit me. It is my circus and these are my monkeys!

I decided on a whim to enter a 100km race in Zion.  On the drive down to southern Utah to spend spring break playing and trail running I realized that the race fell at the end of our break. I was there, the race was happening, completely logical. I'm not going to lie, it has been a rough couple of years with an injury that took it's toll physically and emotionally. It felt like it was behind me BUT it had plagued the races I attempted to partake in last year and was therefore never far from my mind. The monkey on my back was getting heavy and I needed to shed it. What better way than to jump into a 100km at the end of a solid two week training block? 

That is how I found myself on the Flying Monkey mesa at the beginning of a 100km foot race. Instead of a single monkey on my back I found out he had invited the whole circus worth of monkeys and we were going to be spending a long day together. They were all talking at once..... 'that person in front is gapping you', 'sure you feel good now, but now is early', 'what the fuck are you thinking, this is a 100km and you've been in winter for months', 'you know this climb, be patient, when it kicks up you'll gain back', 'don't go too fast, you aren't ready for this' and on and on and on and on they nattered. I devised a plan.

If I was going to be in this thing, and this traveling circus was going to be following me, I needed to be in charge. These monkeys were under my big top and I was going to be their ring master. Instead of misbehaving, they were going to be busy doing acrobatics all day long. Each one had a job to do to make the act successful. They each had a corner of the ring to perform their trick for the whole act to come together. When one would get out of line, I the ringmaster would simple crack my whip towards them to keep them in line. As in any act when things fall into place the silence and peace settle in and the magic happens.

The magic in this case was as the race went on, and I didn't become hobbled or experience pain I felt the monkey on my back loosening his grip. I felt him fall off when I was descending the Goose Bump. Previously this descent scared me and I was VERY cautious and slow coming down it. What a difference 3 years can make. This time I flew off and was loving it, the monkey couldn't hold on. I can only hope he didn't hop on anyones else's back as they came down the bump.

The monkeys and I haven't perfected our act yet. There are times they still get unruly and I have difficulty reigning them in. I don't always have control of them but I am learning a few tricks to keep them from taking over the big top. The physical training and racing is one aspect but unless I can become a master of my mind circus, the monkeys will run the show. 

'Just because you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town'

George Carlin

Vision Quest

Hard to believe two years ago I was creating the vision board of what I wanted to see my new life look like. I think it happened!!! It's the flowers you water that grow and my garden is blooming with beauty! Thanks to everyone who's been on the ride, lets keep this roller coaster of life going. How great is it all going to be two years from now!!! It's about the life in your years not the years in your life.

Adventures with Friends 

Life in the Mountains

Happy Places with ones I love

Quiet Solitude that remind me of the beauty of life

Scenery that takes by breath away everyday

Whisky on occasion, just because

Adventures that happen daily, even after work

I didn't even dare to dream I would have such a wonderful partner to share the life I envisioned with.

My daily reminder when I set out on my vision quest. 

'I have found that if you love life, life will love you back'

Live the life you love, love the life you live!!!

Getting My Ass Across the Line

WARNING, there are lots of Ass pictures in this post. 

Five years ago when I was in Leadville to do the 100 mile mountain bike race I first saw the burro races. I have never laughed so hard. I've always known it was something I wanted to try. SO, when my friend Paige told me how to 'rent' a burro I got on board. I decided I wanted to race a mini ass, cause what girl doesn't want to hear 'cute ass' all day long as she runs by. Thanks so much to Brad Wann and the Laughing Valley Ranch I was partnered with the Little Jacob. He won my heart instantly! I've always known I loved Jackasses. 

Pre Race Meet and Greet- Kiss My Ass

Luckily for me, Brad arranged a little practice session the day before the Big Ass day and Jacob and I got to do some bonding. That practice was invaluable. I learned so many little tips in that short period of time. I watched the 'pros' working their burros and I soaked up all the information I could. I also got tips from my very good friend Cathy and her mini ass Miguel. NOT to mention a special Donkey Balls package from them, AWESOME!! (yes I was told this weekend that I am a teenage boy trapped in a mid 40's woman's body). Two days later I've been told the Ass jokes have to stop now:( 

 Jacob, the cutest little ass EVER!!

After the practice I went home with some apprehension. Really, I was doing a race but Jacob was the one who would dictate the race plan. There was no doing anything if the ass said no. I had a pretty poor ass sleep......When I got to the corral in the morning I felt better, Jacob walked right up to me, he knew I was his runner- or he thought I had carrots.... Saddling him up I got a little concerned. Seemed Jacob may have been out on the town drinking beer the night before the big event. He was very bloated. Thought we talked about this buddy, whiskey only. Got the saddle on with no problem, the little sweet ass stood calmly and was making friends with everyone. Decided if you are running with a pack animal they should 'pack', so put my water and some food and some grain in the pack. Now I needed to test it out to see how it went. Jacob and I went for a jog. Well, that was the plan. Jacob must be very smart because when he saw the stop sign he stopped dead. 

Paige and Dakota meet Jacob

We were in the middle of an intersection and he wasn't going anywhere. People in their cars were laughing so hard. I was trying everything but stubborn as a mule comes from somewhere. It was a stubborn off and guess who won? That's right, you don't get to be a Leadwoman without being more stubborn than an ass!

Our pre race warm up check out the equipment 'jog'

In our practice I had noticed that Jacob liked to run behind big asses and drive their speed up. I knew that our pre race jog wasn't indicative of the race. I also was very concerned about how fast the start would be. I had told Jacob we were closers but like the no binge drinking, he might have forgotten the plan. 

Point of Maximum Dread at starting line- what the hell am I doing?

Luckily, Paige and I had a plan to stay calm and when the gun went off talk to our asses until we were ready to go. Amazingly, the boys partook in the plan and we had a perfect start. We set off jogging behind all the big fast asses. We kept a nice steady clip and got to the first hill, which is almost right away and is 3 miles long. 

Surprisingly smooth start, Paige and I were together and I ended up running behind the girls in the bottom all the way home from the top of the mountain.

Jacob got behind a nice ass and kept him going up the hill. He would walk at a snails pace and then we would get jogging again until he was up the other asses ass. Before I knew it we had worked our way past some of the men's teams who had started 15 Min's ahead of us. (their course was 22 miles compared to our 15). We had a nice system going and Jacob kept forward progress. He wasn't fast but he was going forwards for which I am very grateful. He did slow occasionally but after a few times I learned he had some farting to do. That bloated belly was getting smaller. Hey, I can relate.  At the first checkpoint we saw Wade and he looked pretty surprised by where that little ass and I were in the field. I couldn't stop to visit because once in motion stay in motion! 

showing my boyfriend what's in store for him

Being a virgin ass racer I really didn't know much about strategy. The wise and experienced Ken Chlouber had told me before the race regarding a plan, 'everyone has a plan until they are punched in the mouth'. It was a matter of strategy's on the fly. Jacob would trot along as long as he had a burro in front of him. The little guy likes to drive the big asses along. Therefore, all attempts to pass the ass in front were futile. When we saw some other asses up ahead I began my planning. We could gain on them until Jacob saw them and then he could get up behind them and drive them. Believe it or not, it worked. We got off the single track section on Ball mountain and passed the burro we'd been with and passed the new two. Then when a gap formed we settled in behind the new ones, there was no way he would lead. Maybe he has respect for the big boys? This ended up being our pack the rest of the way. We stayed behind them and when they got running Jacobs little legs were motoring. There were times I had to 'help' him along. Hauling ass took on a whole new meaning. 

Hauling Ass

One of my biggest pre race fears was if I was lucky enough to get in sight of the finish line my ass would stop. I've seen it many times and sadly it happened to my friend Paige. I knew that Jacob would chase as long as he had something to chase. Therefore, when we got onto Harrison I had him walk for a bit for the big boys to get a gap on him. We then started running and he had his sights on the target and kept it up right across the line. I was so proud of him. He placed 7th out of 24 in the women's race. BUT mostly importantly, he was the first mini burro. Those little legs could move. 

Finishing stretch

Jacob must have taken in some of what I said. He closed perfectly! I'd like to say it was my skills but I just got lucky and got a burro who worked well with me on that day. Would I have liked it if he was willing to pass and run on his own, sure but he wasn't so we did it his way. It was the most fun I've ever had in a race and he was the cutest ass I've ever had the pleasure to run with. 

Burro Race finishers, first mini ass across the line and in the prize money!!!

At the finish line you'd have thought Jacob won the race by the crowds that surrounded us. Seems that everyone has a soft spot for a little jackass:) I was just happy I got my ass across the line. 

My Running Hero

A smile on someones face doesn't mean they aren't suffering it means that they suffer in grace. Yesterday I spent hours witnessing perseverance and hard work in many shapes and sizes. I worked an aid station all day at the Silver Rush 50 mile foot race in Leadville Colorado. Everyone out there has their struggles. Whether it be a struggle to just get to the starting line or a struggle to get to the finish. It is how they handle the struggle that defines them, not the actual event. We all have to face our demons at one time or another, but people who choose to run ultra marathons seem to like to go to battle with those monsters regularly. I wish I could say that the greatest lessons I have learned about digging deep and suffering come from these races but they do not. The most heroic race I have ever witnessed was merely 2 km in length. There I saw true courage and perseverance and inner strength with character. I met my true running hero.

Let me explain. I spent the year working with special needs teenagers. One of these boys I took to his cross country zones races in the fall. He has a severe seizure disorder, but that doesn't stop him from having enthusiasm for fun. We lined up for the race and he was so excited that the grin on his face outshone the sun. The gun went off and instantly we were left in the dust. The other competitors had gone up the first hill and we were still crossing the stadium. That is when he turned to me and said 'Kiki, I am so fast'. At that moment I realized that if we all stopped comparing ourselves to others we might realize how amazing we are. 

We proceeded to run the race course. During this time he had several small seizures. Now, one of these would have made any other person stop and quit. That is when I learned about taking what life and the race hand you and continuing to move forward. I had tears in my eyes as I watched him stumble forward throughout the seizure. As soon as it was over he didn't miss a step and he put the throttle down and was running his full speed again. Makes a little blister or a tiny cramp seem kind of minor in comparison doesn't it?

These mini seizures were happening quite regularly but he soldiered onwards. When we saw the finish line in sight he found another gear. He was so excited to cross the line and 'win'. We had a downhill to go and he took off down it with me right next to him. Suddenly, I saw his body jerk and I reached an arm out in time to break the fall. This was a full on major seizure. He was on the ground for minutes. There was blood on his nose and his bladder relaxed causing his pants to be soaked. I was quite worried that when he 'came to' he'd be very upset. He doesn't like to be hurt. However, when it was over his first words were 'I need to finish my race'. He stood up and we walked for a bit, the first steps he had walked so far. When we got to the bottom of the hill he started running and he told me he wanted to cross the line himself. I got ahead and was able to be on the other side of the finish line from him. I have had tears in my eyes many a time at my own finish line but I have never been prouder than when I was standing there with a wet face watching him finish. The pride he had in his face was well earned and the perseverance he demonstrated was amazing. Overall it was a fairly good day seizure wise for him. His best days are our worst nightmares. When that medal was hung around his neck I've never seen a more deserved medal! 

Yesterday, I saw lots of perseverance and suffering out on the course. The leaders make it look easy but even for them there is suffering. The people who weren't making the cut offs all have a story and the fact that they were out there digging deep showed courage in every form. I saw people who thought their race was over at 30 miles regroup, do damage control and make it to the finish line. I know this year isn't the year I planned for myself for running, but I am still running and no matter how many times I stumble I will keep running.  My little hero taught me that it's not how many times you fall down that matters, its how many times you get back up and keep going. 

Knowing When to Run

When I was growing up I learned everything I know about gambling from Kenny Rogers. In May I took a big gamble of my own and lined up for a really tough 100km run and had another 100km on the schedule 4 weeks later. Now, I normally someone who only bets on sure things and with the current state of my pelvis neither of these were sure things.

Part way through the first 50km of the first 100km race I was cruising along thinking that all was good. I was pacing myself well and starting to think how great it was going. I was thinking I was ahead of schedule and feeling good. In other words I was counting my minutes when I was still on the course. Forgetting that there would be time enough for counting when the race was run!

Gamblers know that when you are on a streak you don't know when it will end. My streak ended at about mile 20 when I did an air jump passing someone on single track and felt the jam occur in my left SI joint. At first I thought I could just run it out but every step caused me to tighten up more to the point where all the time I had spent running down mountains in training was negated and I was walking. I did all my 'tricks' and nothing was working so I plugged on. At this point I knew I had to walk away from the table before I was left broken. I hobbled to the 50km mark and that is where I handed in my chip and cashed out.

As soon as I got home I started intensive rehab and physiotherapy. Better late than never. I still had another chance in 4 weeks to test it. I kept reminding myself that a year ago I couldn't get through 10km without locking up, now I had managed to get to the 50km mark. Improvement of 40km. BUT I had thoughts of the 100 miler in August looming over me. If I couldn't get 100km done how was I going to go another 40 miles? 

After 4 weeks of rehabbing I put my chips on the table and lined up for another race. This time I knew I had to be all in. Once again it was going great, until it wasn't. At 45km this time I went from running smoothly to being locked up. Something just shifted and I was grasping desperately for good cards. That is when I wished I had some whiskey but I took some of Kenny's advice. I decided as I was getting a ride back to the start/finish area that I didn't have to cards to stay in the game this year. I had to walk away and so this year I will not be lining up for a 100 mile run. When I am at the starting line I want to know that my hand is solid and I have a chance. Right now I'd be playing against a royal flush with a very weak pair.  It was time to fold em. You got to know when to walk away and know when to run!

True Weirdness

After I ran by a group of girls on a pretty steep part of a climb on a popular tourist hike in Zion park they began to cuckoo. It took me a moment to realize that they were referring to me. My initial reaction was to think how rude but it got me thinking. Maybe I have been surrounded so long by incredibly active people and talented athletes that my sense of 'normal' is skewed? My idea of fun is really others idea of torture?

Lucky for me I was being chased up the climb by my partner who had given me a head start. I wasn't alone in the idea of a good time. I have a boyfriend who also thinks that the challenge of making our own marathon around and RV park on New Years day sounds like an incredible way to start the year. Our date nights consist of running up and down mountains together. We spend our holidays going places where there are great trails for running and riding. Camping weekends include mapping out repeats on logging roads to get in good miles. All of it is done with smiles on our faces. 

This weekend we are taking a romantic get away where we will be running 100 km. It should be lots of no fun fun. We will see each other a few times out there and I know we will both be super happy that we both are cuckoo! I like being weird together!

Welcome Home

He's back. I thought I had served him eviction notice in August of 2013, but he has returned. He's moved right back in and made himself quite comfortable in every nook and cranny of my condo. Lurking under the bed at night, in the closets and every time I open the fridge or a bag of potato chips he suddenly appears. I've tried to reason with him that I was doing just fine living without his presence but he isn't responding to reason. He returned to couch surf my life in January when I got 'lucky' and 'won' the Leadville Trail 100 lottery. As soon as I got the news the big fat scary monster knocked on the door and hasn't left since. He's even managed to hijack his way into my holidays!

Now every good house guest knows that you should bring fine wine and stay a limited time, BUT this guy has no social graces. Not only is he freeloading and living in my home he isn't even polite. He taunts me when I do a treadmill workout with jeers of that's all you've got. You have to run that distance 20 more times to get to the finish. When I look in the mirror his big ugly mug appears over my shoulder reminding me that winter insulation isn't going to do me any good going up Hope Pass. The only wine this guy brought is my whining!

It seemed like a brilliant idea to try running 100 miles again. I mean last time I had to do a 100 mile bike the week before. This time I will be nice and fresh I tell my Monster, but his snickers tell me differently. Last time I was super fit and had tons of time to dedicate to training in beautiful warm sun all the time. A bad weather day involved some mist. Now a bad weather day involves 10 extra pounds of clothing and well below freezing temperatures. I try to tame him with the news that I have toughened up in the elements and now I have knowledge of what it takes to finish 100 miles. He only responds with snarky comments like 'every 100 is different', 'you don't know how you'll handle things until they happen'. I attempt to mute him out by turning up the volume on my playlist but he filters in.  The only way to drown him out is complete exhaustion.

Just between you and me 2014 was kind of lonely without him. Don't tell him, but I look forward to his jeers, taunts and fear tactics because that is what gets me out the door and lets me know that I am truly living. Nothing great ever happens in the comfort zone. Welcome home Big Fat Hairy monster and while you are under the bed clean out the dust bunnies. I have no time for that, I have some running to do starting with 2 100km races in May. See if you can keep up buddy.

Let Go

Today I came across this question posted by a friend.

Only two words to sum up what you wanted to tell your younger self. How do you sum up years of living and experiences in two words. I thought about it and I decided that my younger self really needed to hear only two words. 'Let Go'. 

Let go of expectations. Life is so much simpler and kinder to you when you don't approach everything with a preconceived expectation. It's like racing. Do the training, bring a great attitude and let it happen. 

Let go of judgement. Yes, it is good to not judge others but mostly I needed and still work on not judging myself. Why when we race do we need to define the race as a good or bad race? How about just accepting it as a race and it was what is was? Easier said than done, but it is after all just one event in a life of events. It is hard to not label oneself when thinking about athletics. Everything doesn't need appraisal.

Let go of baggage. Even the smallest bag can become very heavy if you need to carry it for years. Drop it, and move away. At first you may feel you have forgotten something but over time you will get adjust to having the freedom of movement without carting the load around.

Let go of plans. Hard for me, I like to have a plan BUT life isn't about planning everything. I remind myself often that sometimes we have to give up the life we planned to have the life waiting for us. So often when I take a turn on a trail that I didn't plan I find myself enjoying new territory I didn't even know existed. Just like life, take a turn and don't follow a map you wrote twenty years ago. The journey will open up before you.

Let go of the brakes. Momentum is a wonderful thing. Often when things are going really well and flowing on the mountain bike, the best thing to do is let go of the brakes and you will go over obstacles without even knowing they were there. Same in life, if you are death gripping the brakes every little bump in the road becomes a mountain to get over. 

Let go of perfection. Nothing and no one is perfect. Often we find ourselves trying to handle everything perfectly. Be the perfect friend, be the perfect partner or do everything perfectly. It's okay to just do your best. Your best is perfection in process. I have a tattoo that has a few spots where the ink didn't take. The tattoo artist wanted to fix it for me. I refused. I needed a daily reminder that perfection is unattainable. Instead of aiming trying so hard to be perfect, be real. 

Dear Younger Self,

LET GO and then hang on and enjoy the journey cause its amazing!

Kiki

Contaminate the World

A few weeks ago I found myself in a situation where I was infected by two very contagious people. We have all been hearing lately about horrible infectious diseases, leaving us all with a fear of catching a catastrophic  illness. What I was reminded of during my experience was that not everything that is transmitted from one living organism to another is a bad thing.

Let me explain. I met up with a friend and her friend to do a lovely day of hiking and running in my local mountains. As soon as we were in the parking lot there was laughter and silliness. I can tell you that the symptoms of having fun quickly were evident and we were spreading that infection up and down a mountain. When you come upon three grown woman who spontaneously break into song frequently it seems that smiles are transmitted to other peoples faces. The fun loving and friendly attitude quickly took over everyone we came in contact with on our journey.

I knew that these two were kindred spirits pretty quickly but the fact that we were all life long carriers was cemented when I told them that I sometimes like to run with airplane arms. Instead of questioning what I was talking about, our trail turned into a runway with three planes tilting and negotiating steep banked turns. We put in many miles that day on the trail and I knew that it was a good workout because my cheeks were sore. Laughter is good medicine and good exercise. These two ladies understood how the mountains feed my soul and that a positive fun loving attitude nourishes ones spirit.

Today a friend of mine posted something that reminded me that the best thing we can do for the world is be happy. So go ahead, be highly infectious and contagious in your attitude.... and next time you run, spontaneously break into song while you flap your airplane wings. I promise that the only thing this illness will do is cause a giant smile:)

Being a Tumbleweed

If I were a plant I think I'd be a tumbleweed. Once again the wind uprooted me and I am blowing around. I spent the winter establishing a new home base but for the summer I have returned to Colorado. The beauty of being a tumbleweed is although I am blown away from my roots, over the years I have managed to drop seeds in several places. This means that almost where ever I am I feel like I am home. 

Returning to Leadville Colorado has been a giant homecoming. I have had family reunions with my Leadman family and have been out playing with my great friends. It really has been like summer camp for me. I am not racing this year and that has allowed me to do so many adventures I have dreamed of for years. 

One of my favorite places in the world is the top of Hope Pass. I love being surrounded by the majestic mountains and the serenity overwhelms me. This weed was able to get herself blown up there for a night. Opening the tent in the morning and looking out at meadows of flowers below the peak of the mountain was amazing. If I am ever to run the Leadville Trail 100 again, the memories of my night at the Hopeless aid station will fuel me for miles. I found great hope for the future and all the adventures to come while I was there. 

Photo Courtesy of Pisco Trails

Good Morning!

Some women are flowers in the garden of life. I'm okay with being a weed, it means I'm hardier and unlike an orchid don't need special conditions to thrive. To really make me happy, let me be free and experience all the world has to offer. I thrive when I am outdoors in nature and my perfect date night is under the stars. 

A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

I'm grateful for all the places I have blown and all the seeds I have sown for now I am enjoying the flowering of all my wonderful friendships. Tumble on:)

Not a Lone Wolf

A while back I played one of those silly Facebook games. The one where you post a thing and everyone tells you how they met you. I know my life is full of wonderful people and it was a great way to be reminded of how many of them came into my life. Not surprising to me was that most of the people that I feel very close to I met through sport. What is surprising is that the sports I participate in are considered individual sports. Even more surprising to me was that so many of the people that I value I met through swimming.

For some reason swimming turned out to be the most social of my activities. Maybe it was the fact we were practically naked and in very close proximity to each other that we bonded so quickly. I found you got to know your lane mates very well over the course of a few workouts. You would learn who was a natural leader and who liked to follow. Some people were excellent mathematicians and surprisingly to me the accountants and engineers seemed to struggle the most with the clock. It was simple math but they couldn't quite get it????? The biggest thing was you found out who had a sense of humor, who you could count on to push you when you needed it and pull you when you needed that. Many a strong friendship was forged in chlorine and salt water for me. Some of my best training partners and friends I first met in the pool. I knew if we connected while staring at a black line we would do well out on the roads.

The bonds that I have forged over the years in miles of sweat, laughter and yes sometimes tears will always remain strong. Maybe it is all that fluid that has rusted us together. It could be that like army buddies we have seen battle together through strong winds, hail storms, cold snaps and heat waves. There is something about being stripped down to the raw essentials of who you are with another person that leaves you with a life long connection. Its the glimpse into the window of their soul when all the shades have been removed. We may not always be sharing training but once we have been training partners and bonded at that level we always have a thread stringing us together.

One of the hardest parts of moving for me has been leaving behind my tried and true partners in training. There is nothing like being on the wheel of someone who you trust completely and can predict what they are going to do before they do it. I miss my pals and the push they gave me but I know that in my new community I will find more people to add to my life posse, it just may take time. We all may be out there racing with one number on us, but never are we an individual, there is always a team behind us supporting us. To everyone I have met through sport, thank you for teaching me how to be tough and for all the good times. I may appear to be a lone wolf but I know that my pack is never far away and in that I find great strength.

"for the strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack"

Hibernation Ends

The bears that are causing bear jams all over the Bow Valley and I have something in common. We have both come out of hibernation. It appears that spring has arrived and with it we have started to venture out. I'm not sure how the bears decided that it is spring, I mean it still snows randomly, but for me it is that I can ride my bike after work without snow pants. I guess that is spring, and maybe summer too. 

As a way of really getting myself out of my den I signed up to do a local women's half marathon. Now I have been struggling with my little 'pelvis, back, abdominal' injury all winter and while I have my good days they are far between and my running isn't very consistent. Hard not to compare to last year but for every peak there is a valley. I am spending some time in the valley right now. One day I may climb back out of it. For now I am just trying to be all zen and in the moment and enjoy that I am out running. It was a beautiful race and I got to really look around and take in the scenery, for longer than I would have liked. There were women running around me that were having the best race of their lives and I had no right to be all mopey. Just like the bear on the side of the road causing the bear jam, I tried to be oblivious to what everyone else was doing and just enjoy foraging along after a long winter of hibernation. It worked, I got to the finish line in one piece and met some very nice ladies along the way. 

There was a time in my life that I would have been over the moon ecstatic with the time I posted. I would have felt that I had trained very hard to finish 21km. I didn't walk a single step of the way and in my 20's that would have been victory in itself. Now I post that time and my perspective has changed so much that I felt underprepared and slow. Who am I to judge and label my performance? This year isn't about pushing my limits or excelling athletically. This year is about getting back to the root of it all and having fun. Being kind to myself in the journey and celebrating that I love an active outdoor lifestyle. Not every year has to be about accomplishing a 'bigger' and 'better' goal or being at a higher fitness level. Right now, I am just going to spend some time enjoying where I am, the time you spend in the valley gives a different perspective than the time on the peak but it can be just as fulfilling. 

'My valleys are higher than most peoples peaks' Dan Gable

True Courage

'Courage is like a muscle, it gets strengthened by use'

As athletes we spend time training for our upcoming events. We decide what that event may be and we structure specific training. When I was training to do Leadman I wasn't swimming because I was putting all my effort into running and biking. I have been back in the pool swimming and I have found that although I am not swimming as well as I once was, I still am able to swim. Each time I go to the pool I am getting stronger and feeling better. I am restrengthening my swimming muscles that I had given a break. After over 20 years of swimming I am finally able to say there is muscle memory and recall for the feel of the water. Getting older has its advantages, just like my swimming technique and muscles I have many more years of base training in courage.

This last year I confronted many of my fears. I took them on head on and I didn't back down. I was terrified of doing the Leadman but I broke it down into tangible parts and got to work. I was petrified of making the major life changes that I undertook, but like in running the 100 miles I took one step and just kept on taking the next steps gaining momentum. Throughout it all my friends and family kept telling me I had the strength and courage to do what needed to be done. I was full of fear, fear of disappointing others, fear of failure, fear of the unknown and fear of pain. But courage isn't about lack of fear. Courage is about facing the fears, acknowledging them and moving forward anyways. 

'Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear-not absence of fear' Mark Twain

In life when we are going through events or experiences we don't always know why. It is in hindsight that we gain insight. I now know why I spent the last year training my courage. I had draw on every bit of that courage over a week ago. My best buddy who had been my constant companion for over 12 years was struggling. She was having neurological episodes and they were getting more severe. I had always promised her a quality life and that quality was gone. As much as it pained me to watch her lose her dignity and spark I knew that the pain of losing her would be greater. I had to draw on every ounce of strength and courage that I had. Luckily, I was not alone and her ability to create love benefited us both. On April 28th at our home Tana was put to rest. I feel that a part of my heart and soul was taken with her. I miss her tremendously but I loved her enough to take on this pain so that she would be able to run fast again and be at peace.

'Being loved deeply by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage'-Lao Tzu

I can't explain the connection that I had with Tana very well. I know that she did way more for me than I ever did for her. Last summer she was my lifeline when I was facing my fears and finally becoming honest with myself. Whenever I was overwhelmed or feeling shell shocked she would know just what to do. Sometimes, she would rest her head on my leg, other times she would throw her toy at me. Either way, she always made me know I wasn't alone and that we were a team. The last year of her life she got to live in the mountains and be in the snow and she always had a smile on her face. It is through her that I have met many wonderful people and she continued to make special connections right up until the end.

I know Humu was waiting for her and they are spooning once again:) and Tana is heavily sighing that Humu chooses to be SO close!

Tana is no longer physically present but I feel her every where. Since I let her go I have had amazing runs. It is like old times and I sense her running right next to me, except uphill then she charges and taunts me from the top. My ears still strain for her sounds at night, I still think to open her door in the morning and I still look in my mirror every time I drive expecting to see her lounging back there watching the world pass. I don't have the heart yet to wash her nose prints off the windows or vacuum all her fur out of the cars but even when I do those things I know that her nose prints will never be erased from my heart. 

'Without great love, we don't experience great loss'.

Tana taught me about unconditional love and complete trust. In the end that is what it is all about. Loving and trusting and forgiving. She gave me so many gifts and I am so grateful for all that we shared. I'm glad that she was here long enough to see me really happy with a life full of love and laughter. So, if you see me out on the trails and I am laughing and smiling looking down to my left, just know that Tana and I are doing what we loved to do together best. AND watch out if you are racing me cause I have a special angel pulling me along:)

'Whoever said diamonds are a girls best friend, never had a dog'.

 True courage comes when you allow more love than fear into your heart-Kiki

Past the Pain

Sometimes you don't know you are in pain until the pain is gone. The pain just becomes part of your normal. You accept it as the way it is, or it creeps up on you in stages until it is just a companion on your everyday travels. I relearned this lesson recently.

In December I crashed my mountain bike. It wasn't a spectacular crash, I just went down and went down hard. There was no reason for me to crash. I wasn't doing anything extremely technical, quite the contrary, I was cruising along at a good speed on nice flowing single track in the desert. That was I was cruising along until I wasn't, then I was on the ground with the wind knocked out of me and a instant feeling of nausea and dread. I looked at my elbow and saw skin flaps and blood and knew my ride was over. I was so focused on the elbow and the subsequent sutures and the pain in the elbow that at first I didn't notice the other parts of my body that took impact. But there were a few. I was well medicated for a few days which seemed to make me think that I was feeling good. I tried to do a 24 hour run for New Years. It ended up being a shuffle fest with prolonged breaks every 5 miles or so. I gave up on the idea of running and decided to just shuffle a few laps now and then with friends. I still had fun, but I knew my hips and groin were not quite right. 

Funny thing about pain is it seems to be bed buddies with denial. I was able to convince myself when I got home that the stiffness in my pelvis was from driving hours on hours back to Canada. I was able to go with that theory for a few weeks. Then I switched to the difficulty I had whenever I tried to run was from my lack of running. I got frustrated with my lack of fitness so I just tried harder. The fact that I could barely stand up after a run was just that I had let myself go. I fought to run and push through even though my legs felt like they were pushing through cement with each step. Not only was I in denial, I'm also a bit stubborn- okay a lot stubborn and refused to believe that I couldn't fix this myself. On and on this pattern went. 

Finally, I listened and I got a chiropractic adjustment. As soon as I stood up and walked I couldn't believe it. My hips moved freely, which meant my stride was smoother and longer. I went for a run and ran freer and more comfortably since last June. You see my ankle injury was finally to the point I could run without favoring it when I crashed my bike. It wasn't the running that shocked me though, it was the little things. Putting on my pants and standing on one leg I found myself bracing for and concentrating very hard, except now I didn't need to. Standing up from sitting could be done quickly and turning over in bed I didn't have to plan logistically. As an athlete in a race we need to embrace the pain, make friends with the pain and often ignore the pain. Learning when to shut that off and notice the pain is something I need to work on. I could have had an adjustment and had my SI joints in place back in January, BUT no, I let the pain seep in and become a part of my life. 

Its a lesson for life as well. How often do we just accept things the way they are, let the discomfort settle in and become pain that we just live with? It can come on quickly or slowly and just attach itself to us to the point that we don't notice it is there. Not until we do something about it and make the adjustment to rid ourselves of pain do we realize how much it has seeped into us. As soon as we cross the finish line the pain of the effort vanishes. Sometimes it isn't until we remove ourselves from a situation that we realize how much pain there has been. I have found joy in running again. Maybe having some pain now and then lets us truly appreciate the pain free moments. Without having seen the rain, do we really appreciate the sun? 

Find a place inside where there's joy and the joy will burn out the pain. J Campbell

Eating an Elephant

My apologies for my lack of posting lately. My plate has been full. You see I've been eating an elephant. Big task for a vegan and a little overwhelming at times. I have made many drastic life changes in the last 8 months and with those changes comes work. I have left a 22 year marriage, moved back to Canada after 21 years away and started to reestablish myself in a new community. I chose to do all these things but that doesn't mean at times I didn't feel bogged down, instead of eating the elephant there have been times I was just choking on it. Instead of looking at the bite in front of me I would start to look at the whole thing. 

There were times when I thought I had gotten through a leg of the thing to turn around and find out it had grown back. Not everything could be accomplished easy and in one sitting. Some things needed to be done two or even three times. I wasn't always making forward progress but slowly the list diminished and the elephant went from being a giant bull to a little calf. Instead of ignoring the elephant in the room at times I would address it directly. When I was scared of the elephant I would think of him dancing around in a pink tutu and quite frankly nothing wearing a pink tutu is that frightening. 

Throughout this whole process I have been grateful for my years and experience in endurance events. Quite frankly, life is one big endurance event and the races I have done have just been training days for the real deal. In a race there are always set backs and changes in plans and goals. Life is no different. In races I look at the challenges as ways to get stronger and overcome. I have tried to apply this to life. If you want to have a stellar race you need to go through some pain and discomfort. If you want to just get through a race you can just coast along in the comfort zone. Same with life. To really live a life you need to move out of the comfort zone at times and have the courage that you are strong enough to get to the other side. 

When we toe the line in an Ironman or a 100 mile running race or any other big endurance challenge we are best to not look at the whole race. It will overwhelm us and leave us feeling a bit paralyzed by the huge undertaking. I have practiced this lately. I have focused on getting to the next buoy in the swim, the next aid station and at times just putting one foot in front of the other. By keeping in the moment and dealing with the immediate task at hand I have slowly been able to move through each stage of the changes. I can't force things and have to let the race come to me at times. I need to slam a gel or in this case a glass of wine now and then to keep from bonking. But now when I look up I can see the finish line in the distance. I have had the best cheering squad in this event and even though they couldn't eat the elephant for me, my friends and family have sat at my table and helped me cut it up. I know this isn't my last big event and that my life is onto a new and exciting chapter. I also know that there will be more elephants that come along and the only way to eat them is one bite at a time. People ask how you run 100 miles, you don't run 100 miles you run one step at a time and eventually you have covered 100 miles. 

Nothing happens until the pain of remaining the same outweighs the pain of change. Arthur Burt

Live on the Edge

Several years ago my mom gave me a little carved pewter circle that I carry with me daily. It is a reminder of how I want to live my life. It has a simple message 'Live on the edge'. Over the summer my Lead family would say 'if you aren't living on the edge, you are taking up too much space'. I have been fortunate in that I have been able to take risks in life, do things that scare me and push my limits. BUT, if you are living on the edge there are times when you can slip and fall. That is when you  truly learn the value of your life and the people in it. Sure, people can watch you while you teeter on the edge but it is those who are willing to come to the edge with you that matter. More importantly it is those who will hang over the edge when you slip and pull you back up that make life the best.

2013 was a year of living on the edge for me. At times it could be said that I was hanging off the ledge by my fingernails. During this time, I always had people willing to lay on the edge and hold my hand until I was able to get back up. They never let me free fall and I am so appreciative. It was a year of big adventures and monumental changes and I never felt like I was without my parachutes. Even if I were to let go and fall to the bottom I knew I would have a fall softened by love of those close to me. For all of you that watched me and walked with me (some of you literally walked for miles with me) I thank you. I feel like my feet are firmly back on solid ground but I will never let myself get too far from the edge. It is at the edge that you see the vast vistas of possibilities in life and from where I am now standing the view couldn't be more spectacular. 

“Come to the edge’, he said.
They said, ‘We are afraid’.
‘Come to the edge’, he said.
They came.
He pushed them…
And they flew.”

– Guillaume Apollinaire

An Old Friend

Sometimes we meet up with an old friend after years apart and it seems like we haven't missed a beat. We are able to understand immediately what the other is trying to articulate. The conversation flows like we just talked the day before. We experience a level of comfort that is hard to find elsewhere. Just because we may have lost touch, haven't seen each other in a very long time doesn't mean our connection is any less. There is a mutual understanding that we both have missed the other and have never forgotten but other things have gotten in the way. Neither of us judges the other for the time away, instead we just pick up right where we left off. Sure, there have been changes over time but the fundamentals that drew you together in the first place are still deeply routed.

This past week I reacquainted myself with an old flame. It had been 17 years since I had strapped a pair of boards to my feet and pointed them down a hill. The boards have morphed a bit, my body has aged but like old dance partners our timing was in tune. I admit I was slightly nervous, wondering if we would jive like we had years ago. As soon as I clicked my boots into my bindings all nerves disappeared and I was right back to where I had left off. I had decided ahead of time to take it easy and slowly regain familiarity but I quickly discovered that was unnecessary as hours of muscle memory came flying back into my body. I was making turns and gaining speed and grinning from ear to ear. Yes, it had been a long time but old friends click right back into place.

"AH, how good it feels. The hand of an old friend."

Winter Lessons

It's been a long time since I've lived in real winter. My friends in Southern California think that they have started winter, I think it rained:0 I may have forgotten a few things about living in snow, but mother nature is making sure to provide me learning experiences. Here are a few lessons that I have survived.

1) Leaving your wet bathing suit and towel in the car to dry doesn't work. You will have a frozen suit and towel. Think it's cold getting in the water, try doing it in a suit with ice on it!

2) Your favorite jeans become the ones that you can fit a bulky base layer underneath. One good thing, come spring I'll look like I lost inches without doing anything!

3) That 'winter' jacket you own, is now a base layer. It is also your pajama top.

4) You don't blow dry your hair for looks, it is functional. Wet hair become icicles and I have discovered wearing ice on your head does in fact drop your body temperature.

5) Wool is awesome. Wool base layer, wool socks, wool hats- those sheep are on to something. Even wet wool keeps you somewhat warm. An old wool sock over your water bottle helps keep the water from freezing while you are skiing. Wool isn't as itchy as it was when I was a kid either. Just another thing that my grandparents knew, they always had wool socks.

6) Snow dogs are made for the snow. Tana will sit out in the snow bank for hours watching squirrels. That one should have been obvious, being that she's called a snow dog.

7) If you are going to live in winter, embrace it. That means, getting outside and enjoying it. Which in turn means that the equation of how many bikes is enough,  N (being the number you own) +1, also applies to skis.

8) The weather is real, you need to know what is happening if you are going to plan or do anything. Mother nature may have other plans for you. AND, wind chill can make a difference.

9) When the sun shines on freshly fallen snow and the trails are in perfect condition for a ski, winter makes you forget that summer exists.

Let it Snow

For the first time in years I am looking out the window at a dusting of snow on the ground. I am very excited to be spending some winter time in the mountains. I can't wait to strap some boards to my feet and explore, but there isn't quite enough snow for that yet. I am not the only one loving this change in climate. My snow dog has finally discovered that she actually does in fact love snow. She wants to just sit out in it and watch the squirrels in the trees. While I have grown accustomed to perpetual summer, I am looking forward to winter. They say that the grass isn't always greener but the snow sure is whiter:)