Thursday, December 9, 2010

Avoiding the Holiday Bulge

I keep getting emails regarding ways to avoid the inevitable holiday bulge and weight gain. Tips have even appeared on my facebook page. 'Ladies, follow these five simple tips and you will sail through the holidays without adding five pounds to your figure'. Of course I have been intrigued and I have read all the tips that have come my way. NONE of them seem that simple. Here are a few of the nuggets of wisdom I have seen.

1)In order to avoid overeating and indulging in high calorie foods at a party eat before you go. Great idea, until you have to tell your hostess that you ate before you came. She just heard you say that she is a horrible cook and hostess and you would do anything to avoid having to eat at her party.

2)Don't drink you calories. Liquid calories are empty calories. Fantastic, except further down the list you recommend starting the day with a nice protein shake. Am I suppose to eat that with a fork and knife?

3)Make time to exercise. This is a good tip, except for when you have cracked ribs and can't exercise. It also doesn't help much during the so called off season when we all do less exercise than normal.

The experts have other tips but dear readers I have done some extensive research on this subject and can tell you what the true secrets are. First off, if you have gotten into December with no weight gain, congratulations, that's fantastic! (what I really mean is- you bitch!). I made it into the month of September before the so called 'holiday weight' started creeping onto me. I worked hard in an attempt to see what I could do to bring on the extra pounds, and now I know what to do to avoid them.

1) Don't eat 1kg bags of jujubes. And don't eat several bags, even if it is awesome post Leadville recover food!

2) Don't eat chocolate for breakfast. Yes, almonds are a good protein source, you can eat them without the chocolate coating! I know what you are thinking, but Kiki, you just told me that chocolate is a miracle cure. You are right, I still believe in its medicinal qualities, but like lots of medications one of the side effects is weight gain.

3) Old Dutch Dill Pickle chips do not cause a fat burning thermogenic reaction to our metabolism. Luckily, they are not available where I live. Unluckily, I made a trip to Canada this fall and did extensive research on this fat burning product. It took some work to get conclusive evidence and unfortunately, it was not the end result I had hoped for. Perhaps, in a few years I will be able to be in a class action law suit ala Fen-phen. Until then, this particular delicacy is saved for post 100 mile bike rides. Guess it will be a long time before we meet again Dill Pickle chips. I will miss you!

There you have it. My dangerous experiment has been concluded and like all good scientists I have suffered for my work. I will continue to suffer to reverse the consequences of the grand undertaking. Now that the holidays are upon us I will do everything I can to avoid the holiday five.(like 5 is a big deal!).  What I really want to know is where were my emails and little facebooks ads when I needed them. I should have been inundated with topics like 'Keeping the body without doing the mileage' and 'Avoiding the post Leadville 15'.

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